THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM (wmuc about) #CHROMATICA (oreos): a chromatica oreo taste test

Yes, we are a college radio station. Yes, we stan Chromatica. Of course we had to taste test Lady Gaga and Oreo’s latest (and first??) collaboration. THIS… is WMUC on Chromatica Oreos!!!

On January 19th, 2021 I got a text from my friend. "i need you to come to my home. it is urgent. i have something for you."

While eagerly driving to his house, I felt something in my blood. Something powerful. Something otherworldly. I parked outside his house and I stood in the freezing cold anticipating what mystical wonders may have been waiting for me. He came outside and immediately threw me a shimmering cylinder of Chromatica Oreos. This is it. We had been looking for almost a month now and here they were. And God they were beautiful.

The bright fuschia and emerald green cookies were imprinted with designs straight from the planet Chromatica. Before even eating them, I felt an intense passion over me. What was this passion? I quickly understood that this is the power of Chromatica. I put the pieces together; Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta must have blessed each package with an otherworldly spell. A spell that can be felt from miles away. After many minutes of taking in their appearance, I finally ate one. They were completely and utterly fine. These were just Golden Oreos but a little bit sweeter. I don't particularly enjoy Oreos but perhaps someone who does will like these more than I.

Though the taste was absolutely mediocre, I still felt this power. Moments after eating, me and my friend were both compelled to sing Rain On Me in the middle of the street. It was bliss, perhaps Nirvana even. How can one cookie hold so much power? Who's to say? I dare not question the Chromatica Oreos, my faith in The Haus of Gaga will remain fierce.

In closing, Justice for Artpop.

I didn’t go to Giant with the intention of purchasing a shiny pink package of Chromatica Oreos, but I couldn’t resist grabbing a pack when I walked by a glorious display of the cookies. My friend and I turned to each other thinking the same thing: “As a gay, I can’t NOT buy them.”

Of course, my roommates and I had to do a little toast and eat the hot pink, food-dye-filled creations together. I had to admire the various designs on each cookie and the bright green cream filling that resembled the color of Playdough. These of course, have a “colorful” impact on your digestive system.

While the packaging and overall display was enchanting, the taste was underwhelming. It tasted like your average Golden Oreo with more food dye and crunch. Dunking the cookies in a glass of milk improved the experience. Would I buy them again? Maybe for the sake of Gaga, but I’ll stay faithful to chocolate Oreos.

11:45. Time was running out. I had asked my roommate how much I could venmo him for just a nibble of this holy grail of a cookie, but he didn't want my money. He had the cookies already, the power of an unopened-box-pink-and-green heaven was worth more than anything money could buy him. I became weak as anxiety consumed me.

Thankfully, WMUC's own Evan Hecht came to save me at 12 in the morning and brought me one. As we sat on the freezing-cold bench outside of Montgomery Hall, I filmed my reaction as I ingested my second piece of music-food history (my first was the Travis Scott burger obviously). As my teeth met pink cookie wafer, the pressure necessary to break through into the green creme was astonishing and unprecedented. This was a crunchier Oreo! The classic flavors of pink and green melted on my tongue to my delight, and it took a conscious effort to not devour the whole thing in just 2 bites.

I savored every second of this rare Oreo, and I am glad I did. Without a lick of sarcasm or over exaggeration, I can say that this is the best Oreo I have ever consumed. It's crunchier, slightly sweeter, and a thousand times more vibrant as a regular Oreo. I have seen the light, thank you for blessing us once again Ms. Gaga.

As a side note, eating this made me remember the time Lady Gaga wore a meat dress once and never again. I was curious if she had cooked it and then ate it after the VMAs, or if it was promptly thrown out afterwards. I researched my query, and turns out the dress was actually made into jerky and now resides in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Neat!

I don’t even know where to begin with my thoughts and feelings on these sandwich cookies. The hot pink packaging instantly grabs you and pulls your eyes in. When you open the package you’re hit with a coral-colored cookie filled with hot-green creme. At the first bite, you’re hit with flavors of vanilla, blue 30 and yellow 40. (Fun fact: these cookies have so much food dye in them that they are illegal to manufacture in other countries.)

This is the closest we’re going to get to any promo for Chromarica, so I can sit in my room and blast my favorite song (“Replay”), and think of what this era could have been. The cherry on top is that these will, in fact, make your poop green. While I ponder what a “Sour Candy” music video could’ve been or what the Chromatica Ball was going to be, I can at least bitterly enjoy some treats.

My name isn’t Alice, but I didn’t have to keep looking for wonderland once the Chromatica Oreos presented themself to me on aisle 3 at Giant.

The vibrant salmon-pink color paired with that grinch-green creme was a beautiful presentation as Chef Gordon Ramsay would say. I knew the risk I was taking by introducing my body and house’s plumbing to these vivid, artificial-colored cookies, but it was a risk worth taking to be able to ingest something related to Gaga.

Although I am a Double-Stuf-and-up devotee, this Single Stuf cookie proved itself worthy of my time. As a little monster, eating these were the closest us monsters can come to getting nutrients from Mother Monster’s placenta. It was delicious!

If you enjoy the finer things in life like me and know golden oreos >>> regular, then these cookies will not fail you. My apologies to former Oreo spokeswoman, Christina Aguilera because the Chromatica Oreo has been the best collab between a cookie and a pop star to be done in history. Don’t just take mine or others' word on this cookie, That’s gossip, and we can babylon, but instead you should buy a pack (or two to keep and cherish) for yourself.

Chromatica Oreo this, Chromatica Oreo that, I wish I could say Ms. Gaga left no CRUMBS when she MATICA-ed these. Lo and behold, dear reader: one WMUC blog post concept, four different grocery store runs, and one anti-climatic, online-order-in-store-pick-up later, this narrator remains… pleasantly underwhelmed.

At first bite, me and my friend who I have not seen since March 2020 (yes, it was only through the power of Chromatica that we were able to reunite once again) took a moment of pause (it should be taken as a given that “Stupid Love” was on in the background) as our verdicts wavered in the air. “Well… it’s not chocolatey,” my friend began. “It’s literally just crunchy!!” I exclaimed.

Imagine those foam pellets they’re always putting in the boxes of long-distance packaging, but only the casing, dyed a deep, deep, light salmon. Pair that texture with oozing, luminescent-green creme that could easily pass as Play-Doh (is it a stretch to conjecture I may have fashioned the visual equivalent of my own Chromatica oreos in a past playdate?) and allow yourself 15-20 seconds of processing time for your frontal lobe to realize this vividly-pink-and-green-colored cookie in fact does NOT taste like watermelon (when comparing the Chromatica album cover to the Chromatica Oreo, my friend and I could not help from asking, “Where does the green come from??”).

For my gustatory enthusiasts in the audience, this inherently-American (my seventh-grade social studies self wonders if the eventuality of this Gaga x Oreo collaboration could be viewed through the lens of manifest destiny) delicacy may yield unsatisfactory remarks, but for all little monsters everywhere, you may be delighted to find Ms. Germanotta has managed to mass produce a cookie that sounds louder than it tastes... proving once again that Chromatica is not you, nor I, nor Lady Gaga’s sixth studio album; rather, Chromatica is your double-park in the Target parking garage, it’s having your camera off so you can slip out to do a taste test in the middle of CHEM231, convincing your mom to let you ship three packs of Chromatica Oreos to your friend overseas because he can’t get them in Germany, your first single leaking in full a month before its release…

Chromatica is not an Oreo but the act of getting said Oreo; Chromatica lingers in the seconds before crash-landing on your tongue and lodges itself in the back of your mind long after the aftertaste has passed; Chromatica presents itself to us not as an experience but as a challenge, and in hinting at an abstract plane impossible to harness in approximately .851469 cubic inches. The Chromatica deity positions themself high above in their Chromatica Oreo palace gawking at our feeble Chromatica efforts. “An Oreo!” they’d cry, and laughter would bounce off the green creme and pink cookies until all the kingdom is collectively, equally, engulfed in laughter, “A Chromatica Oreo!” (and the laughter would begin all over again).

No, dear reader, Lady Gaga did not deliver cookies fit for a feast, nor product that captures the essence of Chromatica (Chromatica could never be capital!), but she delivered us Chromatica nonetheless. <3